“I was in need of something to believe in. I found my way to a mirror. I got everything I needed.”
It was the fall of 2012. I was both lost, alone, and in a dark place. I couldn't find a fuck to give about myself. I just moved back home from College and I had no sense of who I was, where I was going, or how I would get wherever there was. For context; I couldn't afford a phone to download the NIKE Running app. I would head out the house in some Jordan V's and just run. Not to stunt or anything, those were the only shoes I owned at the time. I had no distance goal. I had no idea of what pace was, and no concept of proper technique. I was just running. In my head, running meant getting out of the house and finding myself. I was going somewhere. Where? I don't know, and I didn’t care. I had a good job, then one day I didn't. I fell in love, then one day I wasn't anymore. I reconnected with "friends", just to learn we weren't close at all. I went to church to find God, just to spend months away because I was afraid to face my own realities.
At every opportunity I had to grow and make progress, I would trip up over one of life’s hurdles. Any help I would receive, whether from family members or friends, I would eventually take for granted and end up hurting them. You see, I was lost. No idea of who I was anymore. No understanding of where I belonged, or what I needed to do to get wherever "there" was. For all of my life, up until then, I knew exactly who I was. And for the first time in my life, I looked in the mirror and didn't know who I saw. I lacked an Identity. I lacked a purpose. I lacked courage and faith. I was, at least I felt like, a coward in every since of the word.
I went back and forth in my thoughts. Should I go back to school and become a lawyer? It sounded good. I helped others do it. I have several close friends and immediate family who are attorneys. Yeah I'll do that...NO! Oh! Maybe I'll work in digital advertising sales! You know, my banking background and natural leadership skills could land me a lucrative career at a cool startup...NOPE! Oh! I got it! I'll go to the NFL! Yeah, I'll train, diet, and impress scouts at the combine. I have the size, i'm fast. Yeah, lets get it Dugg!
All of these "options" ran through my head. At one point I concentrated all of my forces into accomplishing each of them. None of them would ever be successful though, because I kept looking in everything except within myself for answers. I kept seeking validation in acquiring a title. I wanted to do things because I knew other people would respect it. I desperately wanted to show others that my plan B was better than their executed Plan A. I shake my head at myself when I write this because it’s real, and also really sad.
The Transition
I heard once that in dire times, when you need a sign, that's when they appear. There came a night when it all just hit me. Up until my "AH HAA" moment, I spent most of my nights moving and grooving. I was partying, dating somebody ‘s daughter, studying, hustling and other activities that didn't make me happy. I've always enjoyed a rather simplistic life. I love to read, write, listen to Drake and Jill Scott. I would watch Charlie Rose on PBS. I’d listen to the rain fall, and watch NFL network. Sometimes I would play Basketball and read some Bell Hooks or James Baldwin. Above all, the thing I value most is my solitude and autonomy. I feel and move better when I'm alone. I've always been that kind of person.
In the beginning of 2012, I was registered for the Brooklyn Half Marathon, and wanted to make sure I didn't make a fool of myself. It was one of my ex-girlfriend's ideas. I began training and with my dedication to that race, my life slowly began to improve. Now, by no means am I some new person, or am I no longer incapable of shortcomings. But since I was blessed with finding the culture and lifestyle of running, my life has improved significantly. There is a mental toughness that is required to be a distance runner. It takes consistency and perseverance. There is an inherent discomfort that you experience as a Distance Runner. It never gets old. It never becomes easy. It is this unavoidable discomfort that you will either choose to explore, and navigate; or you won’t. The “best” runner you can think of isn’t some superhuman from outer space. They’re a human being who has mastered the art of self exploration at the intersection of mind and body. They continuously navigate where many others reject . They don’t run fearlessly, but rather, they run in hopes of unlearning what fear means.
To willingly submit to a process that inevitably invites uncertainty is rare. It’s also exactly what helped me fall in love with myself, and navigate the depressive state I was in. I didn’t have to be open to those qualities, but doing so saved my life. Running allowed me the space to get to know myself. If you grew up with 8 siblings (I love them all) you would appreciate some solitude too.
Clarity, patience, peace of mind, are just a few of the traits that I have rediscovered and applied to my everyday life. Running allowed me the space and peace of mind to see situations objectively for what they are, and not what I want them to be. My journey is just getting started, but boy, I'm looking forward to it. I'm a better person because of running. Just imagine the person I'll be once I become a better runner.
See You At Wrk